I'll Always Be Here
by OtherLuces
Summary: On the one year anniversary of Kenny's death, Clyde is having a hard time dealing with the loss of his husband. Meanwhile, Kenny gets a special deathday wish in Hell. His wish is to spend one more day with his husband. [Written for Day 4: Death/Dying/Grief for Clenny Week 2019 {on tumblr)]


The clock quietly changed to midnight. No pomp. No circumstance. Just LED lights flickering from 11:59PM to 12:00AM. For other people, it wasn't noticed. They were asleep, or at work, or out having a good time. For Clyde, it was like a sledgehammer hit him in the gut.

It was officially the one year anniversary since Kenny's death.

Clyde sat alone in the living room they used to share. Well...he wasn't exactly alone. You're never alone when you're with your friends Jack and Jim, right? He sat in his recliner, staring at the clock. The numbers were a bit fuzzy—he'd started drinking about four hours ago—but he was certain of what they were.

12:01AM

He sighed. Twenty three hours and fifty-nine more minutes of mentally reliving the worst day of his life. He didn't know how he was going to survive this shit, even with the help from his friends. He decided to close his eyes for a moment. Maybe sleep would come...or if he was lucky, sweet death.

* * *

"Happy deathday, Kenny!"

Party horns blew out and confetti was tossed into the air. Several demons and lost souls patted him on the back. Even Satan himself was there. He personally handed Kenny a mini Ferrari cake, optional features not included.

"How's my favorite citizen doing?" Satan laughed.

"Aww, I bet you say that to all the damned souls. But thanks, big guy."

"No no, I really mean it! You've helped me out a lot over the years. You convinced me to finally get rid of Saddam. Talk about toxic relationships, am I right? Plus, you helped me figure out my taxes last April."

"Who would've guessed that you still need to pay taxes even after death," said Kenny.

"What I'm saying is, you're amazing! So amazing that I'm going to give you a special gift. The truth is, everyone down here gets a mini Ferrari cake on their deathday, but only some people get the deathday candle on it."

Satan manifested a small, plain looking candle out of thin air.

"Treat it like you would a birthday candle on Earth," he said, placing it in the cake. "Make a wish and blow out the flame. The only difference is that your wish is guaranteed to come true."

"That's pretty fucking cool, Satan. Thank you."

Kenny closed his eyes and could only think of one wish. The one thing he wanted in all of Heaven, Earth, and Hell. He took a deep breath and blew out the candle.

"Man...I can't believe it's been a year already."

* * *

Clyde moaned and took another swig from the bottle. It was 12:15AM and neither sleep nor death had come to him.

"I can't believe it's been a year already."

He felt his phone buzz in the pocket of his jeans. He tried to ignore it for as long as he could, but the vibrating sensation was getting awfully annoying. He reluctantly pulled it out and swiped open his screen.

Token [12:15a]: Hey man.

Token [12:15a]: I know you're still up.

Token [12:16a]: Clyde. You should come spend the night with me and Nichole.

Token [12:16a]: That sounds like I'm proposing a threesome. You know what I meant.

Token [12:16a]: You should really be around others today.

Token [12:17a]: It'll help.

Token [12:20a]: Clyde.

Token [12:20a]: Dude...please.

Token [12:21a]: We care about you.

Token [12:25a]: Our front door is locked if you change your mind.

Token and Nichole were good friends. Too good, really. They were thinking more about his well-being today than he was.

He sighed and tossed the phone onto the couch next to to him. Friends were great, but they weren't what he wanted right now. He wanted his husband back. Something he could never have. He closed his eyes and took a slow, deep breath, in and out, as sleep finally found him.

* * *

Kenny awoke in his old bed. The comfortable, well-used bed that he and Clyde had bought when they first moved in together. They knew they should have replaced the mattress years ago, but never thought about it when they had the money available.

He rolled over, eager to see his husband drooling on the pillow next to him. No one was there.

Kenny sat up and scratched his chin. It was a strange sensation. It didn't quite feel like his mortal physical form, but it certainly didn't feel like his ethereal form down below.

Where the heck could Clyde be? Kenny's first thought was that he might have found someone new in the past year, and could be out with them tonight. Then he started to wonder if Clyde even still lived here. Satan said his wish would come true, but he didn't say how accurate the candle's GPS system was. Did it bring Kenny to one of his last known locations, or did it bring him as close as possible to his wish? He just wasn't sure. He stood up and went down the stairs to the first floor. He moved as quietly as he could, just in case there was new occupants in the house.

When he turned into the living room, he found Clyde, curled up on the couch. He was snoring loudly, the way he only did when he was drunk. Kenny smirked. Some things never changed. He saw the bottle of Jack clutched in his arms like he was snuggling it. He only drank whiskey when he was depressed. Kenny smiled sadly. He didn't want to see his husband having a difficult time coping with grief, but he'd be lying if he said it didn't make him feel good to know that he still missed him that much.

Kenny carefully pulled the bottle from Clyde's arms. The sleeping man groaned and shifted slightly. Kenny was afraid he'd wake up, but he didn't. Kenny didn't want Clyde to see him for the first time as he woke up still half drunk and with a raging headache. He placed the bottle on the coffee table. That's when he saw Clyde's phone.

He picked up the phone and swiped it open. He saw several text notifications from their friends. There was one from Craig and Tweek inviting Clyde out to dinner later tonight. There was one from Stan offering to bring him some coffee and donuts in the morning. The most recent one had been the message from Token and Nichole. So many people had been reaching out to Clyde, but he'd refused them all. Clyde would rather be drunk and alone today than with people who love him?

Kenny sighed and shook his head at his sleeping husband. He crouched down to scoop Clyde up in his arms. Once he had him cradle gently against his chest, he made his way up stairs to the bedroom they shared. There were a few bumps along the way. Kenny was still getting used to having a physical form again. Thankfully, Clyde was so drunk that he didn't wake up during it.

Kenny laid Clyde down on his side onto their bed. He decided to keep him in his clothes. He knew he was going to have a big surprise to deal with when he woke up, and he didn't want him to be naked on top of that. Kenny climbed into bed and nestled his body against Clyde, chest to back. He pulled the blankets up over both of them and went to sleep.

Or at least he would have. It turns out that part of the deal to come back as a spirit in corporeal form was that certain basic bodily functions won't work.

Kenny lied next to Clyde for hours. He listened to him breathing. He placed his hand over Clyde's heart and felt it beat within his chest. He felt the warmth of his skin and the roughness of the hair covering it. He squeezed him tight. It was everything he could have asked for.

"I love you so much," Kenny whispered.

He knew full well that Clyde wouldn't be able to hear him. He would have plenty of time to say it over and over once Clyde woke up.

Kenny wouldn't have thought he'd be so excited to see the sun again. Despite all of the fire and lava pits, Hell wasn't well lit. Kenny smiled and snuggled in closer to Clyde as the sunlight slowly moved up onto their bed.

Clyde's eyelids began to flutter. He opened them up just enough to see that it was way too bright in the room. The light hurt his eyes, and he had a pounding headache. No nausea, thankfully. He guessed he lucked out in that hangover category. He squirmed around to adjust his body into a more comfortable position so that he could go back to sleep.

That's when he noticed the arm wrapped around his waist.

Did...did he go out last night and bring someone home with him? He didn't remember going out at all. He stopped by the liquor store on the way home from work, went through the closest drive-thru, and came home. Once he was home...all he remembered was trying to drink enough to make the pain of grief go away. Enough to blur the memories so they didn't hurt as much. That was all.

So whose arm did this belong to?

Kenny felt Clyde moving against him and heard the rhythm of his breathing change. He must finally be awake. He nestled his face into Clyde's neck and kissed it gently.

"Good morning, babe," he said, softly.

Clyde leapt out of bed with a start. He spun around and his fear was confirmed. That arm, and that voice, belonged to Kenny. His late husband. His very dead husband. This couldn't be happening. This wasn't real. I must still be dreaming, he thought. He had been trying to stop the hurt, not have it manifest in his dreams. Awake or asleep, he couldn't run from it.

"Clyde, let me explain," Kenny began.

"Explain what? This is a dream, and I don't know what a dream would be able to explain to me. Owww…"

Clyde grabbed his head with his hands. The change in blood pressure from quickly going from lying to standing, coupled with his headache, made his head hurt even more.

"You're not dreaming, babe. It's me. Well...sorta." Kenny chuckled to himself, which made Clyde more paranoid.

"I must be dreaming because my husband is dead. It makes sense. It's been a year since he died, I got drunk last night thinking about him, and now my brain is forcing me to confront my grief. I could've just had some vague sexy dream, but noooo, my subconscious wants to play therapist!"

Kenny smiled. Just listening to Clyde rant again was like music to him.

"Okay, Clyde. What could I do to prove to you that you're not dreaming?"

"You stay right there! I...uh...I could pinch myself and wake me up. Oww! Fuck!"

Clyde frowned as he pinched himself hard in the arm several times. Kenny tried not to look like he was entertained by it.

"Shit, you're still here," Clyde said, defeated.

"Yup. For, like," Kenny leaned over and strained his neck as he tried to look at the clock next to the bed, "fifteen more hours."

Clyde stood in place. He rubbed his now sore arm and stared at Kenny. This didn't make sense. If this wasn't a dream, then something supernatural was going on. Sure, Craig and Tweek loved to chat about weird supernatural shit and Clyde humored them most of the time, but he didn't actually believe in any of it. Although...growing up in South Park, he didn't witness some trippy stuff that probably was supernatural. But still! He hadn't lived in South Park for seventeen years! Why would something supernatural be happening now?

"Fifteen hours? So I have to deal with this weird ghost dream pretending to be my dead husband in my house for fifteen more hours? Okay then. Time to find a cheap hotel."

Clyde made a beeline to the closet to grab some clothes for the night. Kenny sighed and wiped his hand over his face.

"Clyde!" he cried out. "Babe! I know this is a lot to take in right now. Can you just sit down and listen to me for once?"

Clyde froze in place. Kenny only raised his voice like that when he was really frustrated. Clyde had learned over the years that when he got like that, it was best to just shut up, listen, and do whatever he was asked. Out of habit, he did just that.

Kenny patted the bed next to him, and Clyde sat down. Kenny could see how tense Clyde looked. He wanted to rub his back to try to relax him, but decided that it was probably a bad idea right now.

"Okay, so obviously today is the one year anniversary of my death. Well...it turns out that in Hell, they celebrate that day like birthdays on Earth. Like with a cake and everything. Satan brought it to me, personally. It was kinda cool, actually," Kenny chuckled.

Clyde turned his head and finally had a good look at Kenny. His heart began to beat faster as he saw the smiling face of the man he loved. The man he had wanted to raise kids with and grow old together. He almost began to believe that it really was him—that Craig and Tweek were right and weird supernatural shit happened all the time.

"Anyway, Satan ended up giving me a special candle to blow out like a birthday candle, but it would actually grant my wish," Kenny continued.

"And...what? You wished to be alive again? That seems obvious. You'd think Satan would have realized that he'd lose a lot of souls that way."

"Not quite. Turns out that's against the rules. Kind of like the whole 'you can't wish for more wishes' part of a genie's three wishes. I wished to have one more day with you."

Tears began to well up in Clyde's eyes. This was too much. With the headache and the satanic wish candles and Kenny's voice telling him that his wish was to be with him for one more day…

"This isn't real," he said, turning away. "I'm definitely still asleep, and this is just a dream."

"You still don't believe me." Kenny took a deep breath. "Clyde. Babe. Please look at me."

Clyde reluctantly turned back. Kenny took his face into his hands and pulled him into a kiss. It was soft and sweet. Kenny moved one hand behind Clyde's head, gently stroking his hair while they kissed. He took it as a good sign that Clyde wasn't pulling away from him.

Kenny was the one to break the kiss. He didn't want it to go on for so long that Clyde got in his head, as he often did, and become freaked out by it. He seemed to have relaxed somewhat during the kiss and Kenny didn't want to ruin that.

"That. That felt kinda weird," said Clyde.

"Yeah, I know. Sorry. This form, it's like...ninety percent real. It's probably because of their policy of not being able to wish to be alive again. So I'm like...ten percent ghost...if that makes any sense."

"No... that's not it. It was weird because it felt like kissing you for the first time again."

Clyde leaned in and initiated the kiss this time. He started soft, but gradually gained more intensity. Kenny parted his lips, welcoming the new passion. Clyde continued to lean forward. He placed his hands on either side of Kenny as Kenny began to lie back onto the bed.

Kenny didn't have a heart in his current state, but he knew that if he had, it would've been racing. He was, however, able to feel a warm, tingling sensation all over. It felt absolutely wonderful.

Clyde rolled onto his side, next to Kenny. They wrapped their arms around each other and continued to make out like teenagers experiencing love for the first time. After a few moments, Kenny felt something wet on one of his cheeks. He pulled back from the kiss to look at Clyde. He was crying.

"Oh my God, babe! Are you okay? Did I bite your lip too hard?" Kenny asked.

Clyde shook his head. He smiled at Kenny, despite the tears slowly running down his face.

"I never thought I'd be able to kiss you again, Kenny. The thought of never being able to do something as simple as kiss you goodnight…it hurt me for so long. But now...here you are. Lying in front of me. It's really you."

Clyde began to sob as the tears flowed.

"It's you. Kenny. My Kenny." He peppered kisses across Kenny's face in between sentences.

Kenny felt so happy that he wanted to cry too, but tears weren't included in his wish package, apparently.

"Yeah, it's me, babe," he giggled. "We might've said 'till death do us part', but that's not true. I'll always be here," he said as he touched Clyde's chest, "with you. I love you, Clyde."

"I love you, too. So goddamn much." Clyde paused for a moment, taking in a deep breath. "It's been hard living without you. Even if you're always in my heart, it doesn't make waking up alone any harder. It doesn't hurt less when I've forgotten you're dead and I announce 'I'm home' when I walk in the door. Our friends have been really great about helping me out, though, so I'm lucky to have them for support."

"Yeah, about that. I saw the texts on your phone when I first showed up. Clyde. Why did you turn everyone down? If you'd been over Token and Nichole's, I probably wouldn't have been about to see you, but it'd be okay if I knew you were happy and safe with our friends."

Clyde sheepishly looked at his lap. "I don't really know. Why does anyone not do anything when they're depressed?

"About two months ago, when I started thinking about how the anniversary of your death was coming up, I started sleeping a lot more, I started canceling plans with our friends, and I started calling out of work like once a week. I thought it was normal, given the fact it was almost a year, but a few weeks ago, Ms. Nichole 'Psych NP' Black told me I probably had situational depression and should see a therapist for some help. Of course, you know me…"

"...you ignored her advice and didn't see anyone," Kenny sighed.

"Yup. And to their credit, even though I kept turning down everyone's invitations, they kept asking me every day. I should thank them for that. For not giving up on me when I'm being an idiot. I don't do that enough. Thank them, that is. I'm always being an idiot," he laughed. "But I'll try to be better about it in the future. Cause I don't want to be here, living, thinking about how you'd be worrying about me."

Kenny took Clyde hand in his and kissed it. "Thank you."

"But dude! We're wasting time! We gotta get going so we can make the most of this day!" Clyde exclaimed.

"What do you have in mind?" Kenny laughed.

"We can try to do some of the things we never did together. Like we could go to some of those restaurants we always meant to try. Or those weird ass museums we used to say we'd want to go to, just to say we've been."

"Like the washing machine museum?" asked Kenny.

"Hell yeah, like the washing machine museum!" Clyde laughed. "We also always used to say we wanted to check out that adventure course that opened up a few years ago. Or we could head into Denver and go finally see a show!"

Kenny leaned in to kiss Clyde. "Anything you want to do will be wonderful. As long as we do it together, it'll be perfect."

"Wait...oh no, fuck. What if someone saw you? Like, someone we know? How would we explain that? Is there some penalty for that? Can other people even see you, or would they think I was just talking to the air?"

"Hmm. Good point. I honestly have no idea. I didn't really have a lot of time to ask about the nuances of the wish before it went into effect," said Kenny, rubbing his chin in thought. "How about we just spend the day here, at home, just to be on the safe side. We can enjoy each other's company here, without fancy things to do."

"Oh yeah? What do you mean by 'enjoy each other', hmm?" Clyde leaned forward to nuzzle Kenny's neck. He quickly switched to placing small kisses against his skin.

Kenny inhaled sharply. "I think we're on the same page, buddy," he chuckled.

Kenny had been worried that, since certain other bodily functions hadn't come with his wish, his cock wouldn't be able to get hard. Granted there are other ways to have sex with someone, but Kenny ached to be inside of Clyde again. To feel his warmth and tightness. To be one with him.

They made quick work of removing each other's clothes. They paused once they were done, taking in the sight of each other's naked body. Kenny realized his worry was unfounded when he felt his cock press against Clyde's.

They explored each other with their hands, breathing each other in and savoring the moment. Neither of them ever thought that they would ever be able to be intimate again. Why would they? This was the sort of thing that only happened in romance novels and movies. But here they were, in each other's arms, skin against skin.

Warm hands lit up skin with every touch. Hungry mouths wandered, eager to taste every inch. Clyde shuddered when Kenny finally entered him. It had been so long. His arms wrapped tightly around Kenny as they moved together. Even after a year apart, they were still in sync. Kenny felt Clyde's body tense, and he knew he was close. He moved faster, deeper, until he felt Clyde's nails dig into his back. Kenny came soon after, pressing his forehead against Clyde's and whispering "I love you".

Afterward, Clyde suggested they shower. "You might not be able to sweat, but I feel pretty sticky after all of that," he laughed.

They took turns washing each other, not wanting to go even a minute without touching. They kissed softly as the hot water cascaded over their bodies. It was only when the water began to run cold that they realized they had been in there for quite a while.

Once they were dried off, they both heard a strange noise.

"That's, uh...that's my stomach growling," said Clyde

They spent time in the kitchen, helping each other cook something for Clyde to eat. Clyde had offered to make enough for Kenny, but he wasn't hungry, and he had a suspicion that trying to eat would backfire in some way. He was pretty sure that he didn't have the digestive function.

They decided to watch one of their favorite movies while snuggling in bed, but they never finished it. They made love again two more times before the credits rolled. They continued this pattern well into the night. Before they knew it, Kenny only had one hour left before midnight.

"Nooo...one more round…" Clyde sleepily whined as he lazily pawed at Kenny's thighs. His eyelids were obviously heavy, but he was being persistent.

"Babe, you're way too tired to go again," Kenny chuckled. "I guess I really wore you out, huh?" That classic McCormick grin was plastered all over his face.

Clyde frowned. "Hey! We would've taken turns topping, but you didn't have a damn butthole! I can fuck what's not there!"

"Don't worry, I'm gonna have a good, long chat with Satan about that one," said Kenny.

"Also, I haven't been with anyone since you died. Just my hand and a few toys. So I've been out of practice. Lost my old stamina."

"That's kind of sweet, babe, but I do hope that you find someone else in time. I don't want you to wait around every year in the hope that I get a deathday candle wish again. If you meet someone who makes you happy, I want you to give it a try, okay?"

"Kenny…" Clyde whined.

"Promise me."

Clyde looked into Kenny's eyes and slowly sighed. "I promise I'll try."

"Thank you. The last thing I want is to be in Hell knowing you're miserable on Earth without me."

Clyde let out a big yawn. "Yeah...maybe I am too tired."

"Told ya. But nothing would make me happier than holding you while you go to sleep. That's the last thing I'd want to feel before I have to go back."

* * *

11:33 PM. Kenny pursed his lips. Less than an hour until he had to go back to Hell. He didn't want to go back, but he knew he had to. It was tempting to just lie next to a warm, sleeping Clyde forever, but that wasn't meant to be.

He smiled at his beloved husband lying in front of him. They had never liked sleeping face to face, but right now, it was wonderful. He could feel Clyde's breath against his face. He could smell the fact that he had not brushed his teeth before bed. Kenny didn't mind. He hadn't really given Clyde a chance to do so. He'd kept him wrapped in his arms all day, during every moment he could. Some people might say that if they had an extra day with a lost lover, they'd want to use every moment to do everything they were never able to. Those people are liars. Most of them would do the same thing as Kenny and spent the whole day in bed. Whether that time was spent fucking or cuddling, it's that physical and emotional closeness that they'd want.

Kenny sighed. One thing he hadn't told Clyde was that he wouldn't remember today when he woke up. It would just feel like a dream. A wonderful, beautiful dream, but only that. Kenny wanted to do more. Wanted to leave something behind as a kind of reminder. Something to make sure Clyde would never forget that he loves him more than anything.

Kenny reached behind him and turned on the bedside lamp. Picking up Clyde's phone from the table, he opened the camera app and once he got them both in frame, snapped a picture.

Kenny placed a kiss on Clyde's forehead and climbed out of bed. He carefully snuck downstairs to the living room where Clyde still kept his computer. A little uploading here, a little editing there, and Kenny was ready to print out the photo. Once he deleted the pic from Clyde's phone, he took a pen and wrote a message on the back of the photo before sneaking back upstairs. He placed the photo on the bedside table, turned off the lamp, and crawled back into bed. He might only have nine minutes left to lie next to his love, but dammit, he was going to use them all.

The clock quietly changed to midnight. No pomp. No circumstance. Just LED lights flickering from 11:59PM to 12:00AM. Kenny felt his corporeal form begin to weaken. It felt odd. It didn't hurt—not like dying. It felt like he was simply fading from existence. He took a deep breath, inhaling Clyde's scent, and by the time he exhaled, he was gone.

* * *

The sun filtered through the window blinds. The warm rays tickled Clyde's nose, waking him up from a deep, relaxing slumber. He sat up and stretched out his arms. He had had the best dream last night. He had dreamt of Kenny and they had… Well, he wasn't going to tell anyone the details of what they had done. He wasn't a teenager any more, he didn't have to brag about imaginary sexual conquests.

He had made it through the anniversary of Kenny's death. Clyde couldn't quite remember how—probably with the help of something strong if he couldn't even remember yesterday—but he had done it. He sighed and ran a hand through his messy bed hair.

"I love you, Kenny," he whispered. "I guess here's to another year surviving without you by my side."

He stood up and headed to the bathroom to get ready for the day. A nice hot shower felt good, like it was just what he needed. He stopped by the closet when he got back to his room, picking out a shirt and pants. Nothing too fancy today. He'd requested today off from work, too, but he figured he'd go out and take up Tweek and Craig on that offer for dinner. It wasn't null and void because it was the day after, right?

As he moved over to the bed to place down his clothes, Clyde noticed something on the bedside table. Something he had never seen before. It was a photo of him and Kenny. He was sleeping, and Kenny was lying by his side, clearly the one taking the photo. Clyde couldn't remember taking this photo. He probably dug it out of some old memory boxes while he was drunk yesterday. That must be it...right?

Something inside encouraged him to turn the photo around and look at the back.

We said 'till death do us part', but that's not true. I'll always be there, by your side. I love you, Clyde, with all my heart. -Kenny

Clyde felt tears stream down his face and he suddenly had a strong feeling of déjà vu. Like he had heard Kenny say these words to him...recently. The dream! He must have read the back of the photo before bed, and that caused him to experience hearing it in the dream. That had to be it. There was no possible way that his dream could have really happened. That would require supernatural forces that just didn't exist, no matter what Tweek and Craig said.

And yet...Clyde couldn't shake this feeling that maybe he was wrong.


End file.
